


First aid training

by Comicgirl20



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), The Office (US)
Genre: Jackasses, Poor medic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 18:24:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12636648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comicgirl20/pseuds/Comicgirl20
Summary: Yondu forces everyone to learn first aid training





	First aid training

Tullk took a swig of his beer while listening to the various other ravagers in the mess hall chew on their lunch loudly or laugh wildly typical day he thought.Gef had just taken his seat and Tullk noticed that he had more rations on his tray.

“I just made the best trade in ma life,” Gef said happily.

“Really what did you trade,” Peter asked.

“I traded Bo my xandarian nut and narui jam sandwich for his rations he was practically drooling at the sight of ma sandwich.”

Tullk paled when he heard this, “Wait ye gave the lad a xandarian nut and narui jam sandwich!”

“Yeah so?”

“Gef Bo’s allergic to narui jam!” Peter said.

“Oh I thought the same thing but he said if he eats it really fast he’ll be fine.”

“That litta bullshiter BO!” Tullk yelled.

Bo saw Tullk and Peter approaching him and quickly stuffed the sandwich in his mouth.

“BO SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!” Tullk screamed as he tried to pry open his mouth.

Bo shook his head and swallowed, “Oh my god you swallowed it why would you do that!”

“Geez stop overreacting I’m fine Peter!”

“Fine you just swallowed something you're allergic to lad!”

“But look nothing happened it’s all mind over ma- BLARF!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“If I wasn’t in the mess hall on my lunch break you probably would have died,” Naz scolded as he looked down at Bo whose face and lips were completely swollen after he threw up the sandwich while everyone else watched not knowing what to do.

“What the hell were ya thinkin boy,” Yondu asked.

“I thought if i ate really fast I wouldn’t notice,” Bo groaned out.

“Well look where that got ya sweetie a pumped stomach and swollen face,” Naz said.

“Totally worth it.”

“Is the swelling gonna go down anytime soon.”

“Do I hear a hint of concern in your voice cap’n?,” Naz asked sarcastically.

“No because when young mr Bo here is dandy as candy he’s got kitchen duty with ole cookie for the next six week cycles.”

Bo leaned back on his pillow and groaned, “Six weeks really cap’n?” He complained.

“Or if ya would prefer scrubbin’ the shit clocked latrines.”

“Kitchen duties fine.”

“That's what I thought boyo and the next time ya get a hankerin for narui jam I’m gonna put ma arrow up yer ass and give ya another shit hole understood!”

“Yes cap’n!” Bo squeaked.

“Damn idiot yer lucky Naz was there because the rest of those jackasses out there don’t know diddly squat about medical care.”

“So true on that, hey maybe it’s time we get an extra medic I could use the help.”

“That’s not happening.”

“What why,” Naz whined.

“I got enough jackasses on this ship an i don’t need one more when I gots these lazy bums to feed an pay.”

“Well then what do you suggest we do then if something like this happens again and I’m not there! Are you gonna depend on the jackasses who don’t even know the basics of health!”

“The jackasses are wait THE JACKASSES thats it Naz!”

“Excuse me?”

“Naz ya doin’ anything later on?”

“No why?” Naz asked suspiciously.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“So have any of you used any kind of medical instruments?”

“Do instruments of torture count?” Taserface asked.

“Uh no, why don’t we just go over cpr because I don’t trust any of you with pointed objects.”

Naz took out a cpr dummy and called up Halfnut to try first, “So assessing the situation are they breathing?” Naz asked the crowd of ravagers who were all annoyed and fed up.They all had to have mandatory first aid training everyday and Naz was the one who had to teach them.

Halfnut rolled his eyes, “No Naz they are not breathing and they have no arms or legs.”

“No that's not part of it half-nut.”

“Where are they?” Gef asked.

“You know what if we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them?” Halfnut asked, “I mean what kind of quality of life do we have their?”

“I would want to live with no legs.” Scrote said.

“How about no arms.”

“No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now Scrote you don’t do anything.”

Naz hit him over the head in annoyance, “Halfnut shut the hell up and go back to your seat!”

Halfnut flipped him off and grumbled all the way back to his seat, “Quill you're up.”

“Oh okay,” he said as got next to the cpr dummy.

“Alright let's get back to it because you're all losing your patient and my patience.”

Peter pushed on the dummy's chest but Naz stopped him, “Okay too fast everyone we need to pump at a pase of a hundred beats per minute.”

“That's uh kinda hard to keep track of.”

“A  good tip is to pump to the tune of that one song Ooga-chaka I think?”

“Hooked on a feeling,” Peter corrected.

Naz rolled his eyes, “Yes hooked on a feeling.”

“Peter pushed down on the dummy to the beat of the song as he sang out loud, “Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga.”

Other ravagers joined in to the chorus and shook their heads to the beat, “Okay peter now you wan-”

“I can't stop this feeling deep inside of me girl, you just don't realize what you do to me!” Oblo sang out loud with two other ravagers while Naz raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“So peter now you havi-”

“When you hold me In your arms so tight you let me know everything's all right,” Peter sang drumming his hands to the beat against the Cpr dummy.

“Don’t stop giving the dum-”

“I’M HOOKED ON A FEELING DO DO DO DO AND I'M HIGH ON BELIEVIN DO DO DO THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME!” Everyone shrieked off key at the top of their lungs.

“GUYS!” Naz yelled out everyone stopped in there place, “You didn’t maintain a hundred beats per minute nor did you com me so you lost him!”

“Terrific Naz so move aside I’m takin’ over,” Kraglin exclaimed as he approached the center.

“What the hell kraglin?”

“Okay he’s dead anybody know what we do next anybody Naz,” kraglin asked.

“I have no idea where you're going with this?”

“We burn him?”

“Wrong we check for a organ donor mark on his neck if he has one we only have minutes to harvest.”

“He is an organ donor I saw the mark on his neck.”

“Give me some ice and a bucket,” Kraglin said as he unsheathed a knife from his boot and stabbed the dummy with the knife on the chest.

“Oh my stars what are you doing!” Naz shouted as everyone else looked at kraglin in horror.

“Making a profit what's it look like,”he said as he viciously cut through the dummy's chest.

“Dude cmon!”

“We search through the organs where's the heart precious unit heart?”

“Oh I am done I need to sit down,” Naz spat as he pushed his way to an empty seat.He rubbed his throbbing temples and hoped nothing else went wrong.

“Kraglin why!”

“I’m going to be sick!”

“Alright loving the new look man!”

Naz opened his eyes and shrieked when he saw kraglin with dummy's cut up face on, “How do I look?” He asked creepily.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Can ya tell me why ya butchered the thirty five thousand unit dummy and almost damn near gave Naz a heart attack?” Yondu asked kraglin bluntly.

“Thirty five thousand units for a dummy wow,” Peter said as yondu fixed him a glare that quickly shut him up.

“I did this because of experience this is why we train we start with the dummy.”

“That was thirty five thousand units,” Yondu added in.

“Right, we learn from our mistakes and now I know not to cut the face off of a real person.”

Yondu looked at Kraglin in disbelief as Peter started snickering he felt his right eye start to twitch.He cussed various words under his breath as he rubbed a hand down his face in annoyance and frustration, “Damn jackasses!”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Feed the author at this time please with comments and tell me what you think it’s another office reference.


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